So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
