sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
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I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
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She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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