In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
