i jhust puked up my retainher.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
