i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
