So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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