Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
