bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
