I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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