I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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