I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
