Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize