Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
