So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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