She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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