you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
