You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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