I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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