im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
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She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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