I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
