i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
