I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
