Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Bring me that man meat
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
