just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
