im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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