i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
