i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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