Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
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you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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