I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Rumble strips road head = magical
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
