I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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