found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
