i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
