Someone shit on the floor
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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