well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
