he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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