I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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