Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
