Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
