Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We talked him into tasing himself.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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