You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
