WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
