Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
