Quick, to the slutcave!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
