And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
