is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
