I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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