I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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