i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
