oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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