my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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