Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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