So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
