She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
