at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
